So scared... Human are so scary... its so dofficult to survive in the outside world now... too much things i haven seen and been thru... i'm juz a bloody green horn... and only all the hypocrite ppl survive... they killed all the nice ppl out there... i'm being killed too... i had alot to learn... learn to be more 'jian' in order to survive...

I'm back 2 weeks ago le... juz plain lazy to update... busy working also...

I need a vacation... and i'm going now... well i wun be far but not near too... and for how longi'm away i also dunno... juz wanted alot of breathing space for myself... till my stress level is down then i'll be back... my hp will still be contactable... but i'll see who to reply... hp bill very the ex... already owing singtel alot now le... so till the next time i blog... i have vanished... poof........................................................................

And i purposely put this color to strain ur eyes... come bite mi lah!!!

Its been long since i last blog... but who cares... nobody bothers anyway... blogging at such a time might be strange for some ppl... but its a normal time for mi le... cant sleep anyway...

Well later i'll be heading back camp for the last time to collect my pink ic... finally i regain my freedom... well but i tink it isnt tat great anyway... so many have been thru this le... juz get pink ic only wat... wats the big deal??? The biggest deal for mi is i'll be transact into another stage of my life le... my working life...

I'm floating and lost now... 1st i cant survive without $$$, 2ndly the job i'm taking rite now doesnt pays mi yet, lastly the job tat i wanted haven reply mi yet... I'm now helping my frend in an event company doing shit job... actually doing events is one of my likings... but he wans mi to learn by clinching deals wif clients first; which is somethingi'm not good at... i'm not good in my words... it takes mi some 30 secs to twist my words around... and i dun really noe how to handle picky clients... this really got mi into high level of stress... watever lah... anyway in the meantime i'll be looking for a morning part time job first while waiting for police to reply mi... my fear is now if police side really dun reply mi, i'll really be floating in mid air le... i've asked myself wat else can i do??? no cert, no skills, no experience... wat kind of job can be a career for mi... i'm so damn now... I now really dunno wat the fuck will happen next...

I'm lonely too... dunno y this feeling comes to mi... when i started clearing my leave... i'm feeling so damn lonely... i have trouble can tell frends, yes i noe tat... but its cant be watever problem i have i share it wif my frends wat... everyone have their problems too... i too feel paiseh to bother them also... i need a girlfrend... someone whom i can share my problems wif, be with mi when i'm down... yes i noe this i gotta solve it myself... but the problem wif mi is i dunno how to go after a ger... i've tried... and falied... somehow i have phobia of this le... i'm so afraid of being rejected, being hurt... i hate tat... i'm tired too... it takes mi alot of courage to express my feelings to a ger... but wat i get in the end... alot of strength to wipe my tears and walk again... yes i'm now standing strong but i'm alone.... hopeless i can say to myself... force myself to put on a smile everyday... drink to numb my brains to stop thinking for the nite... (-_-)

When will you appear??? I need you!!!

I finally undertand some words which makes mi keep thinking for 4 yrs le... A few incidents and some ppl let mi realised it... yah i noe its kind of slow of mi... but at least now i unlock the mystery behind those words le...

I also learn to keep my care and concern more safely le... not going to give it to anyone anyhow... especially for those ppl who dun appreciate it and take it for granted...

Kajuaz gonna changed back to its oldself... the happy and cheerful kajuaz tat is so happy go lucky one... juz like my poly yrs... Many has told mi tat i've changed alot.. become more solemn le... Yah i realise it... i tok alot lesser, smile alot lesser... in fact has been frowning all the way... Probably i cared too much for others, make their problem mine... so tats y i got so many problems to handle... i cant take it therefore my temper becomes bad and shows black face... I really gotta apologise to those whom i shouted at b4... pls forgive mi... I really cant handle stress too well... once the stress is pressing on mi my temper will go up... so i will try to release stress by my temper... tats a fucking bad way to relieve stress but i juz did it... I really fucked myself up during tat period of time... A really fucked up person which everyone sees... Sorrie to my frends who tolerated my attitude at tat time... I noe many wont see this lah... but at least i realise my wrong le... Pls forgive mi...

A bit update on my life now... I'm clearing leave now for ord... coz i'm the PTP (did not pass ippt b4 going into army) batch, so will ord 3 weeks later than the BMT (passed ippt b4 going army) batch... the bmt batch will ord 22 sept and mi at 10 oct... And this fri i'll be having an ORD dinner at Furama... They make it so grand lor... and its $160 for 2 pax... meaning tat each of us gotta bring a partner down for this dinner... So i decided to bring Sharon along... my best buddy kaki whom i noe for 10yrs le... haha... juz hope the dinner turns out to be fun lah...

Tat all for my updates... not gonna sleep yet although its late lah... (.-_-.) bubbaizzz

This week many things happen around mi... think all these things happen for a reason.. to let mi realise my shortcomings..

1) I care too much bout my frends problems till its like my own.

2) I juz too kind hearted. Forgives ppl to easily. Ppl tends to take advantages of mi.

3) I'm too emotional. Anyone can juz spoil my day, the day will really sux till my temper is bad.

4) I'm too honest. Dun even noe how to say sweet lies to make ppl happy. ( I lose out when it comes to relationship)

5) I'm too enclosed to myself. Never speaks much bout my problems. Only a couple of ppl noes my problem.

6) I'm too timid when it comes to relationship. Dun dare to express myself to the ger in words and action. ( I totally lose out compared to other guys)

These are the few things i realise bout myself after so long... i noe its kind of late and slow... but at least i did... And there might be more tat i haven found out??

Whoever read this pls tell mi am i right bout these few problem i've have... and tell mi if i do have more which i dunno myself...

YEAH!!! I've finished my last live firing le... and its also the last excercise i'll be having le... everything is over...

Now i'm still in camp... coz i juz woke up from my very very peaceful sleep... came back camp last nite about 2am in the morning from live firing... then i slept till 1.30pm juz now... haha... yah i noe... i sleep alot... coz the nite b4 i did not sleep... was watching a HK serial... very nice show...

So now i can enjoy my leave le... the bad issue in camp finally been settled... no more shitty thing of going back camp for shit... haha... time sure flies now... can start to countdown the days le... anyway everything is resolved le...

Life is good... dun u agree... haha

NDP finally over... so no more of the sat rehearsal shit le... so nothing to look forward to also le... only waiting for days to pass and reach the day when i ord... wun be counting it coz the more u count the longer i wun come... so i'll juz sit back relax, enjoy my leave clearing and wait for the day to come... at this pt of time its actually quite fast thinking back to the day where i got in here and got my botak head... well... i'll only keep tat as memories of my life...

These few days stayed at home to rest... never go out... juz wanna stay home to rest myself... its kind of relax but bored lah... everyday is games, tv, online... haha... nothing meaningful happening in my life... am i wasting my time... well... i think so too... but theres nothing i can do to enrich my life right at this moment... maybe do some readings lor... haha...

Anyway my life has alwiz been a keepstill state... yes its low b4 this... but now its been to normal le lah... no more saddness and happiness... juz mi, myself and my life... Sometimes when i sees my frends enjoying their highs everyday i felt so envy of them... y cant i have tat too... could the problem be myself... yes i think so... i am the problem... coz i alwz keep to myself all the time... tats y only a few ppl got into my life, understand mi... is this normal??? hmm... i really dunno... but wat i noe tat this is the real zhenquan... no mask... no extra head & face... i like being myself... although it might not be appealing to others but who cares... i liked it... Someone actually said tat i shld go find a gf to change my chauvinist life... i guess she is rite... but i really dunno how to go bout it... coz its been like 23yrs of my life is lidat le... how to change??? yah i noe is can one... needs time... but i really need advice... i'm lost... LOST IN MY SOUL??? Somebody save mi!!!

Over the weekends i am so in love... haha... in love wif 4 gers... Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte... haha... some may find these names familiar if u have watched 'Sex And The City'

Its really a very nice series... Shows the truth, clean, ugliness, crudeness of ppl... i find it very real... other than those sex scenes lah... i am more interested in the words they use lor... how crude it could get...

Well tats how i spent my boring weekend... wif 4 sexually deprived gers...

Life for mi has been calm... no highs or lows nowadays... i liked it this way... peaceful life... nothing to bother about...

Guess i've not been updating my blog nowadays ah... maybe juz plain laziness or silentness... juz wanna keep quiet and not tok bout my life...

Nowadays theres nothing much for mi to do in camp too... only ndp... but seems like its gonna end soon next week... after tat will be having my leave and wait for days to pass till ord le... Tok bout ord really makes mi stress le... dunno wat to do... first thing worry is $$$... after ord if i cant get a job by then i'll be rotting at home le... anyway to let u guys noe tat i've already sent an application for CNB officer in April... but seems like till now theres no news yet... not even a rejected letter... i've been hoping for the best to get in there... well so now i can only wait le lor... nothing much i could do now but start to look for lobangs for part time first... juz to keep myself busy after i ord and get $$$... Wish mi luck k... (-_-)

Tats all folks... Take good care...

Life has been quite peaceful after i recover from fever... peaceful as in not much troubles bothering mi le... it really feels so good to be peaceful...

This weekend stayed at home... never go out... very tired... now at home waiting for time to pass then gotta book in le... this week gonna be a easy week also... Hope my life will be peaceful from now on... and to all my frends: hope all of u are well and do take good care of urself...

Miserable Weekend

Still not well yet... stuck at home for the past 2 days... feeling very miserable... fever keeps coming back... then having a very bad throat imflammation, which will make me frown even when i swallow saliva... The last temperaturre was at midnite... really hope tats the last liao lah...cant take it anymore... juz wan a good well rest... and hope my throat gets better ba...

Today suppose to go Padang for NDP rehearsal one... haizzz... missed it... its so fun lor... although cant see much performance lah... but at least u get to see those "Sua Ku" singaporeans crowding around the barricades trying to see the performance although from their location is really cant see anything but they still wanna crowd there... The most shit part is when we gotta march pass Raffles City and Funan lah... All the ppl there like see circus animals parading the streets lidat... feels like a circus poddle man...

Yah i'm at home now... got 3 days mc... Was having high fever from yesterday... 38.7degrees... gonna die liao lah... now gonna rest liao... feeling drowsy le...

My Birthday pics uploaded... go to www.imagestation.com to view and get ur picz...
Userid: kajuaz
Pass: cockroach
gotta log in to my account coz i did not publicise my album....
so do keep this to urself...

The days juz sux!!! Wat is all this shit!!!

yeah i'm back home le... and i got back my internet connections too... paid it on sun... haha.. finally...
Juz got home not long ago... it sux today... hate army... full of shit... my life is already in shit liao and now more shit comes... wonder how long can i endure this... my weekend is already ruin... moodless whole day... and now even weekdays gotta be like this also... FUCK!!!

For those reading this muz be really scratching their heads lah...i need not explain anything... juz 3 words.. FULL OF SHIT...

Its been damn long since i last update again... this time is not i lazy lah... first my internet connection is being cut off for having a very big sum of outstanding balance... then i've been stuck in camp for 2 weekends... and now... i'm updating this in camp... believe it anot...

actually now can book out and go home liao... but gotta book in tonite again.. so i might juz as well stay in here to rest... and wats more i cant online at home mah...

juz a short update of my life... now i'm involve in NDP marching... so many weekends will be burn for rehearsal... rehearsal is shack man... under the hot sun... now my face is very tan plus i have a tan V neck on mi liao... haha... but wats nice is i get to wear NO.1 uniform lah... which is the white color one... so i'll be tied down wif this till NDP is over lah...

Really wonder anyone reading at my blog... although i admit i didn't update often lah... but i really no choice mah... only weekend can update... PONDERs???

Another week has past... juz got to noe this week tat my unit will get to march in NDP as Guard Of Honour... and i'm in it also... so alot of time will be spend in parade rehearsal... many weekends burns also... never care so much lah... juz wanna participate and wait for it to finish then will wait for ORD... next week will not be able to book out coz on standby... also good lah... can rest more in camp and not spend $$$...

Was very quiet last nite and today... juz dun feel like toking lah... juz wanna keep my mouth shut at times... shitty week... i juz realise i did not drop tears for very long liao... shld be more than 3 yrs liao lah... but someone made mi tear this week... felt really sad bout the incident... haizzz...

Birthday over

Haizz... here i am... 23 liao... haha... really had fun wif those frends celebrating wif mi... and thanx for all the pressie...

Well... not much of things to update lah... moods been good... i'm fine too... (^_^)
Juz wanna complain here tat i alwiz cant get to meet this frend lor... put aeroplane so many times... haha

I realise tat wat ppl say is right... Kajuaz really changed liao... really became more quiet... i dunno y i took such long time to realise this... watever it is i also dunno wat changes mi... and dunno y i change... as long as i not change to be bad can liao lah...

Birthday coming soon liao... 1 yr older liao... really scared... not scared of aging... but scared of responsibility... the older u get the more responsible u gotta get... haizzz... how i wish i can grow younger...

Wat have i done??

Ok... my birthday is almost here... yah... so a little reflect on my new yr resolution... wat have i done???
1) I've said i wanna tame myself... and yes i did... i've manage to tame myself alot liao...

2)I wanna clear the bad inflamation on my face... and yah... its really getting better liao... although not 100% done... guess i still need more time ba...

3)I wanna get some savings... and NO! i did not make it... still spend as much as i earn... haizzz... sad case... something else gotta be done lah...

4)I wanna change my pt of view to more optimisstic... and i done a bit lah... really can help it to have negative thinking lah... will try harder lah...

5)Last one... haizzz... shy to say lah.... i'm still smoking... haha... well i noe... there's ppl gonna scold mi liao... but.... aiyah... no buts lah...